Lesson 1: How to catch the Eurostar from London to Paris

This is my luggage

1) Arrive at St. Pancras International with your embarrassing amount of luggage, and make your way, smiling, to the Eurostar ticket machine.

2) Do as you're instructed and insert the card you used to buy the tickets. It's a good thing you brought this, because you had no other use for it on your trip.

3) Wait patiently, as per the machine's instructions, until you're informed that your card cannot be read.

4) Grumble inaudibly and glance at the clock. Fortunately, you still have 40 minutes until the departure of your train, so make your way, cheerfully, to the Eurostar ticket office on the other side of the station.

5) Line up in the snaking queue and eventually speak to a nice Frenchman named Victor. Explain yourself to him and smile graciously as he promises you to sort everything out for you.

6) Wait patiently as he scours his computer, making frequent glances at your booking reference number. About 10 minutes later, allow your smile to fade as he explains that he cannot help you, and that the "Order Reference Number" that you have printed out is not the correct one, and that you should have found the other one on another part of the website.

7) Try not to be too argumentative as he tells you that you need to go to an internet café somewhere outside, on the streets of London, in order to access the website and retrieve your real order reference number. Victor will tell you that you can also telephone Rail Europe, but refrain from asking for their phone number, as his reply of "I cannot help you with that" will likely frustrate you, and you will have to resist the urge to swiftly dispatch him.

8) Leave the Eurostar ticketing office and begin walking aimlessly around the station. After a while, glance at the clock and make note of the fact that you only have half an hour before your train is due to leave. Approach a nearby salesman and ask for directions to the nearest payphone.

9) Refuse his attempts to sell you a new mobile phone, and explain that you simply need to make one call and could he please direct you to the nearest payphone. When he tells you that there are no payphones in the complex, and resumes his sales pitch, politely tell him to bugger off and begin walking away. At this point he will suddenly call after you "around the corner to the left."

Stairs are common in train stations

10) Follow these directions to the cluster of payphones and attempt to use the only broken one. When you discover that it is broken, curse quietly and move on to the next one.

11) Telephone the number listed as "free operator assistance" and discover that the only use for "free operator assistance" is to give you the number for "paid operator assistance". Dial this number.

12) Telephone the number given to you by the grumpy operator for Rail Europe, and prepare to be frustrated further, as this is the UK office, and the UK office doesn't keep records of Australian reference numbers, nor can they access their website or give you their phone number. When you impress upon the man named Pat the urgency of your plight, he will put you on hold for 5 minutes and return with the Australian office's phone number.

13) Telephone the Australian office of Rail Europe.

14) When you discover that the Australian office is closed, swear loudly, ignoring the looks of passers-by.

15) Forget your change in the payphone and go back to the Eurostar ticket office, taking note that there remains only 15 minutes before the train departs.

Narrrrrg.

16) Approach the nearest employee and collapse in a heap, begging him to help you.

17) From here, your journey becomes much easier. The employee you approached is the manager of the office, and he pulls out all the stops to ensure you make it to your train. He ignores the fact that your order reference number doesn't correspond to Eurostar's reference number, and rather is concerned with the fact that if you miss this train you will also miss your connection in Paris.

18) Follow this man as he ushers you through customs, puts you ahead of queues and helps you put your bags on to the scanner.

19) As the wonderful man wishes you well for your journey, draw from your pocket your last remaining 10 pound note and wearily extend it to him. Watch as he smiles and says simply, "Give it to charity", turning around and disappearing around the corner surrounded by an angelic glow.

20) Having resolved yourself to the fact that you just had a brief encounter with Jesus of the train station, board the train as the final whistle is blown.

21) Upon being presented with your brunch menu, immediately congratulate yourself on having chosen to travel first class.

22) Travel in comfort to Paris, where a whole new world of trouble awaits you as you try and make your connecting train.

NOTE: While travelling under the English channel, avoid making obscure references to the Disney song "Under the Sea" to the gorgeous French stewardess on the train. She will not find your genius allusions amusing and will ignore you for the remainder of your journey.