Lesson 2: How To Survive A French Strike

Gare de Dijon-Ville.

In case of "La Grève Française", the best course of action is a swift departure from France. Preferably this should be done prior to the commencement of the strike, but if no notice is given or if you fall ill will salmonellosis, then you will have to follow the following instructions:

1. Arrange a destination for your exile. Call them and let them know you're on your way, that you'll be leaving first thing tomorrow morning. If your chosen destination is only a few hundred kilometres away, inform your hosts that you should arrive the following evening. If, however, you're attempting to travel to the far north of Germany, to the Danish border.. then you should still make it the following evening..? Surely it won't take longer than 15 hours to get there ?

2. Go to the train station first thing Friday morning and try to leave Dijon. There won't be any trains operating that day, but at least they can inform you of the first train out the following morning, at 7:30. Don't try to make a reservation as they'll be blocked due to strike action. Instead just have the ticket window attendant promise you that the trains listed will in fact be running, and that you'll be in Kiel by 9:30pm on Saturday.

3. The next morning, it would be very unhelpful if you were to forget your luggage straps at the house and only realise when you get out at the train station. Avoid doing this. Otherwise, your first train will depart without any problems, and you'll be glad. 

4. 8am: When you arrive at Besançon, remain calm as you discover that all departing trains have been cancelled for the morning. Speak courteously to the gentleman at the information window, who informs you that you're not the only one wanting to get to Strasbourg, and that he'll see what he can do.

5. Make friends with Megan, a girl from California, as she is also needing to get to Germany. It's with her that you'll spend the next 4 hours, as you wait for the replacement train, and she will be lovely company.

6. In the time you have, go to the ticket window to enquire about connecting trains in Germany. Amazingly, the french lady will issue you with a new itinerary, one that sees you arriving in Kiel only one hour later than originally planned, despite the extra 4 hours waiting, no high speed trains and twice as many changes. This will surprise you, as it should. You may even feel a sense of foreboding. You should.

7. 12:30pm: Hop on the overcrowded train for Belfort, where you change for Mulhousse, where you eventually change for Strasbourg. You should arrive there at 3:40pm as planned.

Note: It's at about this time that you should have a look at a map and cross-reference it with your itinerary, just to be sure that there have been no mistakes made.

If you didn't look at a map, the following list of instructions apply to you:

 Gare de Strasbourg.

8. Hop on the same train as Megan for Stuttgart, as indicated by your itinerary.

9. 7:20pm: Board the train at Stuttgart bound for Esslingen, as indicated by your itinerary.

10. 7:30pm: At Esslingen your itinerary indicates that you must wait for 2 hours before boarding a train for Eutin, which, according to your itinerary, is only 7 minutes away. Wait for half an hour before deciding to check at which platform your train for Eutin arrives.

11. When you realise your train for Eutin doesn't exist, seek help from a passer-by named Mirjam. She's never heard of Eutin, but if it's only 7 minutes away then surely a taxi would be fairly inexpensive.

12. When the taxi driver says he's never heard of Eutin, as well as the other members of the public who are waiting for taxis, explain to him that you need to get to Kiel.

13. The taxi driver and the other folks nearby will begin to laugh at you, and Mirjam will look concerned, and you are right to be worried. The taxi driver says to you "Do you know where is Kiel ?" You will discover that it is 700km away from your present location.

14. It's now 8:15pm and you are on the verge of a mental breakdown. Mirjam saves you, though, with her amazing optimism. She tells you that you can't change anything now, so you may as well make the most of it. The wisdom in her words is irrefutable, so you pull yourself together. Mirjam will suggest that you accompany her back to Stuttgart station where you will surely be able to make another plan, which you should do.

15. When Mirjam leaves you at the information desk it is 8:45pm. Give her a CD as thanks, even though she will say she feels like a thief.

16. Acquire an itinerary for Kiel, being sure to double check that there are no errors in this one. Proceed to the ticket window to reserve a bed, as the only remaining trains are night trains.

17. The train at 10:20 will seem perfect, giving you 8 hours of sleep before your first change, and arriving in Kiel at 8:30am. Unfortunately, reservations close 2 hours before the departure of the train, so you won't be able to take this one. You will, therefore, be forced to reserve a bed on the 1:30am train, with a change every 3 hours. It means you will probably not sleep much tonight, but at least you still arrive at 10:30am.

7.50 for all this ! 

18. Phone your hosts in Kiel from a payphone and tell them the story thus far, and that they should expect you the following morning at 10:30. From here, proceed directly to McDonald's for some emotional eating.

19. It's at about 10:30pm that you should wearily walk into the only warm place in the station: a café.

20. Befriend the girl seated in front of you, and be very glad you did. Her name is Lisa Maria, she's from southern Germany and is en route to Paris to see her friend. She will be splendid company for the next few hours until the departure of your train. She will also teach you a few long German compound words including Donaudampfschifffahrtskapitänsmütze, which is the hat that the captain of a steam boat on the Danube river would wear.

21. It is largely due to her smiling face that you don't notice the passing hours, and that you remain cool when you hear that your train is delayed 30 minutes due to, believe it or not, German strike action. Yes, it seems that Stuttgart is the only train station in all of Germany where one could have had this problem, as there is a great controversy surrounding its redevelopment. Out the front of the station you can hear shouting and music and police sirens.

22. 1:30am: The staff at the train station will assure you that the delay will not affect your connection in Koblenz at 5am. Don't believe her, because at 5:10am you will be in Koblenz and your train for Kiel will be gone.

23. It is here in Koblenz, after 24 hours of travel and no sleep yet, that you will discover a stone of resilience within you that says, "so what ?"

24. Wait an hour for a train to Hamburg, where you know you can change for Kiel. Sleep solidly in your seat.

25. At 11:20am, board the train from Hamburg for Kiel.

26. At 12:36pm, disembark from the train and be overjoyed to see Kiel.

Even though you're here only 2 nights before you have to return to Paris.

So what ?

I still managed to busk in Kiel. It was very, very cold, though.

Lesson 1: How to catch the Eurostar from London to Paris

This is my luggage

1) Arrive at St. Pancras International with your embarrassing amount of luggage, and make your way, smiling, to the Eurostar ticket machine.

2) Do as you're instructed and insert the card you used to buy the tickets. It's a good thing you brought this, because you had no other use for it on your trip.

3) Wait patiently, as per the machine's instructions, until you're informed that your card cannot be read.

4) Grumble inaudibly and glance at the clock. Fortunately, you still have 40 minutes until the departure of your train, so make your way, cheerfully, to the Eurostar ticket office on the other side of the station.

5) Line up in the snaking queue and eventually speak to a nice Frenchman named Victor. Explain yourself to him and smile graciously as he promises you to sort everything out for you.

6) Wait patiently as he scours his computer, making frequent glances at your booking reference number. About 10 minutes later, allow your smile to fade as he explains that he cannot help you, and that the "Order Reference Number" that you have printed out is not the correct one, and that you should have found the other one on another part of the website.

7) Try not to be too argumentative as he tells you that you need to go to an internet café somewhere outside, on the streets of London, in order to access the website and retrieve your real order reference number. Victor will tell you that you can also telephone Rail Europe, but refrain from asking for their phone number, as his reply of "I cannot help you with that" will likely frustrate you, and you will have to resist the urge to swiftly dispatch him.

8) Leave the Eurostar ticketing office and begin walking aimlessly around the station. After a while, glance at the clock and make note of the fact that you only have half an hour before your train is due to leave. Approach a nearby salesman and ask for directions to the nearest payphone.

9) Refuse his attempts to sell you a new mobile phone, and explain that you simply need to make one call and could he please direct you to the nearest payphone. When he tells you that there are no payphones in the complex, and resumes his sales pitch, politely tell him to bugger off and begin walking away. At this point he will suddenly call after you "around the corner to the left."

Stairs are common in train stations

10) Follow these directions to the cluster of payphones and attempt to use the only broken one. When you discover that it is broken, curse quietly and move on to the next one.

11) Telephone the number listed as "free operator assistance" and discover that the only use for "free operator assistance" is to give you the number for "paid operator assistance". Dial this number.

12) Telephone the number given to you by the grumpy operator for Rail Europe, and prepare to be frustrated further, as this is the UK office, and the UK office doesn't keep records of Australian reference numbers, nor can they access their website or give you their phone number. When you impress upon the man named Pat the urgency of your plight, he will put you on hold for 5 minutes and return with the Australian office's phone number.

13) Telephone the Australian office of Rail Europe.

14) When you discover that the Australian office is closed, swear loudly, ignoring the looks of passers-by.

15) Forget your change in the payphone and go back to the Eurostar ticket office, taking note that there remains only 15 minutes before the train departs.

Narrrrrg.

16) Approach the nearest employee and collapse in a heap, begging him to help you.

17) From here, your journey becomes much easier. The employee you approached is the manager of the office, and he pulls out all the stops to ensure you make it to your train. He ignores the fact that your order reference number doesn't correspond to Eurostar's reference number, and rather is concerned with the fact that if you miss this train you will also miss your connection in Paris.

18) Follow this man as he ushers you through customs, puts you ahead of queues and helps you put your bags on to the scanner.

19) As the wonderful man wishes you well for your journey, draw from your pocket your last remaining 10 pound note and wearily extend it to him. Watch as he smiles and says simply, "Give it to charity", turning around and disappearing around the corner surrounded by an angelic glow.

20) Having resolved yourself to the fact that you just had a brief encounter with Jesus of the train station, board the train as the final whistle is blown.

21) Upon being presented with your brunch menu, immediately congratulate yourself on having chosen to travel first class.

22) Travel in comfort to Paris, where a whole new world of trouble awaits you as you try and make your connecting train.

NOTE: While travelling under the English channel, avoid making obscure references to the Disney song "Under the Sea" to the gorgeous French stewardess on the train. She will not find your genius allusions amusing and will ignore you for the remainder of your journey.